It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
