i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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