I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she peed on how many people?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
