If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
