If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
