someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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