Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
