So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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