Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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