but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
