Having a random hookup so left but love u
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
