but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
