You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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