I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
