If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
