I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
