brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My liver just broke up with me...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
