if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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