In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
