can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
