I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
