Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
