Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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