READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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