well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
