My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
