My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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