You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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