Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
