Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
