ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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