I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
