I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
