I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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