the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
