rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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