this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
