Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
