I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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