When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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