Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
