apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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