that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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