Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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