I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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