She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
