My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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