i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
