if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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