my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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