take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
