i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
