Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
