we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
