Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
