Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
