Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
