dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
