my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
